I am delighted to inform you, oh loyal Stimulant reader, that I have never been more enthralled, more captivated, more fascinated by a grocery flyer. I cannot tear my eyes away from this – which is not to say I want to eat, buy or think about any of the things pictured. And yet, I feel compelled to take a trip to Apple Cabin Foods.

And they say the days of the print flyer are long gone.

I can’t tell you who first sent me these “flyers” for the fictitious Apple Cabin Foods, nor can I tell you what they were thinking or what went through my brain the first time I laid eyes on them. All I can tell you is that my life is now divided into two stages: before Apple Cabin Foods and after Apple Cabin Foods.

No, seriously, you guys, print flyers are alive.

Do I know what a “White Pip” is? Can I explain why a “Catflap” is apparently for (4) adults? Do I even know what “Prewched” is supposed to mean? (Yes).

Hey look! It’s salty pals!

As you dive further and further down the Apple Cabin Foods rabbit hole you start to feel a sense of unease in your stomach. You don’t have to know what “Chicken Silk” (heyyy lovely) is to be freaked out by it, and we couldn’t blame you if a “Vinegar Husband” makes you want to wretch.

And yet, you are still here. Reading on.

Put me down for a round of “Ocean Bound Chicken Twins” with a side of “Raisin Zeta Jones.”

Let’s hope those “Pier buddies” are indeed good like last time. If they are, you can chase them with an unsalted “Peach Travis!”

These flyers aren’t the handiwork of some rogue 22-year-old graphic artist. Los Angeles-based designer Sean Tejaratchi has been in the game since the 90s when he started running his independent ‘zine Crap Hound. Back in 2012, when being funny on Twitter was more difficult, rarer and actually mattered, Tejaratchi was called one of the 25 funniest people on Twitter by Rolling Stone (although we have to call “dubiousness” on the selected Tweet: “Twitter Idea Graveyard: ‘Who’s on First?’-style commercial for stoner lawyer named Saul Goodbraugh.” We recognize a Breaking Bad rip-off when we see one).

(Who’s down for some “Chicken Whispers?”)

Still, Tejaratchi remains hilarious on Twitter and continues to regularly produce Crap Hound and has even gone digital: he runs the blog LiarTownUSA which focuses on absurd Photoshop jobs like the ones you see above. He also sells some pretty great stuff, like this incredibly accurate set of Portland postcards, or these fake magazine covers (Ladypals)!

So sift through at your leisure, creatives. Grab a “Cinnamon Johnny” (soft+wet inside!) and some “Yard Meat” (no trouble) and bring it all back to the golden age of print flyers.

Credits

Advertiser: Apple Cabin Foods (not really)
Artist: Sean Tejaratchi