Whisky business

You need more fibre in your life. And more whiskey.

Look, I’ll level with you: I’ve been having whisky for breakfast since before we last put a Trudeau into office. When my friends gift me some watered-down pablum in the form of a $20 bottle of college-level whisky every Christmas, I can barely muster up the decency to lie to their stupid, naive faces and croak out an insincere “thanks.”

So the whole idea of “spiking” desserts with whiskey has always seemed a little, well, childish to me. Sure, I can understand why a bourbon-flavoured pecan tart might seem a little “bad” – if you’re the type of person who yells, “Let’s do a silly one!” every time you take a group picture. Eggnog cupcakes with spiked frosting? Save it for your sorority party. Smokey “whisky balls” (whatever the hell those are)? Look, you’re talking to a girl who rolls out of bed sounding like Tom Waits. I’m not a child.

But here’s the thing: my husband, family and a series of doctors have told me I am in desperate need of some dietary fibre in my life. I’ve tried every vegetable, mineral and chemical for breakfast, but after numerous failed attempts, I’ve settled on whole wheat toast. Or, as I like to call it, pre-whisky.

To make it a little more bearable, I’ve invested in a few jars of so-called spreadable whisky. It’s actually marmalade with a whisky infusion, but hey, I need some fruit in my diet too, right? Okay, it’s settled. Just hook it to my veins.

If whisky isn’t your thing, you can also get spreadable rum (what are you, some sorta Saint Bernard?), spreadable gin (I, too, enjoy the taste of trees) and spreadable Pornstar (wait, what?), but of course, if whisky isn’t your thing, you’re probably already living a decently balanced life.

The spreadable whiskey also claims to be suitable for vegetarians and vegans, which is good, because I love animals as much as I hate myself.