There are some pretty hilarious 911 calls out there – from a woman who called because she was lost in Portland to someone seeking urgent information about raccoons. Really, you can’t make some of these things up.

But the content writers at Netflix actually have made some good ones up – the content extensions on the Facebook Watch page for the Netflix animated original, Paradise PD, are wild enough to make you lose it laughing, but hit close enough to home to seem like they could be true.

This particular video features an anxious, acid-tripping man who really doesn’t want to have knife hands anymore. We can appreciate that this drug user isn’t just thinking about his immediate future, he’s thinking about the long-term problems – like what he can do to show affection for his cat, and what kind of career prospects there are for someone with knife hands.

Fortunately, the 911 operator sets him straight using some pretty impressive logic.

Paradise PD‘s web series, Best Emergencies Ever, is available on Facebook Watch.